Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
