i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
