i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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