seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
