Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
