Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
