Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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