dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize