so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
