It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
