So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
