I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
