Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
