I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
