Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
