from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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