So drunk its hurt
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
