she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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