My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You pole danced in your parka.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
