New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
