I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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