no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Even my vagina gasped.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
