I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
