The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
