you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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