she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
