I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
