sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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