My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
