A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
