a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize