i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You need a sexual gate keeper
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
