She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
no, he came in my armpit
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
where am i from again
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Randomize
