First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
