You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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