you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
