Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
NoShamevember. You game?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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