I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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