Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
