Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
