found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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