i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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