girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
