i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
