then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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