oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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