You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
