kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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