sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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