I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
