There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
