I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
if i died would you start the facebook group?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
