if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
soo... how was my night?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize