eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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