my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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