bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
