when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
