I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize