So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
We're too hungover to prance.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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