I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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