Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
