Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
