well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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