angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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