he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
