if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
