There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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