Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
