I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Randomize
