my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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