you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I want to be your penis for a week.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize
