I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
