i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
