Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
