Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
