I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
