I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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